If LOVE is the answer, WHAT is the Question?

 

How will I write about romantic love when I have not experienced that? It may sound odd, bizarre and at times funny that at my age I haven’t really experienced a mutual love in an official relationship setting. I had a few “almost there” and we’re – together – but – not – quite statuses but never an “in a relationship” status. This is not the status on Facebook or other social networking sites which many have made fun of. To me that status is like an important label you give to yourself so I don’t take it lightly. It should be real. It should mean the world to both parties.  So sometimes I avoid this conversation, feeling indifferent about it. Not only I find it funny but also corny. And I would always say wait until that happens to me so I can speak about it bluntly and honestly.  But I guess I will not wait for that moment when I’m in love to write about it. So here.

I’ve been asked many times if I have someone special. Like a boyfriend, husband or a mister. I’ve always said no. Some won’t believe it. Some would doubt the non-existence of a special man in my life. But that’s the truth. I haven’t had any boyfriend or a serious relationship in a long while. The last time I got crazy in love was about three years ago, as far as I remember. And it was not officially called a relationship because we didn’t really talk about our status. I don’t know but I’m not that dependent over a man or a relationship for that matter. Well in fact I  am  happy being single! It may be a defense mechanism of some sort but I’ve been busy being “alone” that I’ve not minded not having someone special for a relationship or whatever. Maybe, I have been content being “available”. For the past years, I’ve been pre-occupied chasing my dreams. I busied my self in my priorities. I just wanted to be independent and successful. By success, I mean financially stable and able to earn much. I’m just being real. I wanted to be rich. That’s my dream.  But that’s another story.

                          

But the hope of someday meeting a man who will knock me off my feet (not literally of course!) is still there. I guess it would be so nice to spend time with someone for a walk in the park or in the shores of a beach, wherever it is, watch the sunset over dinner, or just someone I can spend time for a movie marathon in the comforts of our home. What others don’t know is I’m a hopeless romantic. I’m a sucker for romantic feel- good movies. I don’t want to overkill it but yes, I would sometimes dream of having my own relationship or love story patterned over one of the movies that I watched. Don’t laugh now. I’m not Kristina Casanova for nothing. I understand that Giacomo Casanova is arguably the greatest lover of all time, not to mention the greatest flirt! Ok another story.

But of course I would like to have my own story of love. And I would not only be the writer but a co-writer of that novel. I don’t care how many sequels we would make or books we would write together. For as long as it’s worth keeping, I would keep it.

The real score is I haven’t had any serious relationship in my life. The closest I have been to that “taken” status was with guys that were bit younger than I was, not officially stamped as a “relationship” but unofficial I guess. I had more than a couple of them.   It would be like we are “us” when we’re together, but “I” or “me” when we’re not. And still what I ever wanted is to really make love with a man. Make love in the sense that both of us have agreed to be in a special relationship because we both love each other. That simple! Make love in the sense that we will have sex and it feels more than heaven because we love each other!  I‘m not sure if I felt that.  I may haven’t experienced that. I guess I almost did but only had it with someone when the feeling was already over. How unfortunate. And that’s the closest thing to heaven that I’ve encountered. Still I won’t changed that. I can take that anytime. He was still the first man I ever loved.

I never felt loved by a man. I’m not sure but that is how I feel. I did love a few times. And when I do, it’s crazy. I get stupid and do the craziest stuff. I give my world and tend to forget mine. I would give my all and I get lost at times. I can say I’m the giver and I do it unconditionally, not waiting for something in return. That is what makes me happy. But I guess it would be happier or that is an understatement if I say that love is reciprocated.  And really, I haven’t felt loved by a man that I loved. Stupid. Damn right stupid. The last time I cried over a guy was I guess three years ago. I realized that it’s not meant to be, even for a while. He was already loving a girl when I met him. Then they would later on got married. I would have not prolonged my agony if I had thought of my own sake, if I haven’t thought what would be the right thing to do. If happiness is all there was, then I would have chosen to continuously love him. But that wouldn’t  be the case. So I learned to let go. I did let go a couple of times already. I’ve become a master of that.  It hurts but after a while you get used to it. I fell many times and I always get up and go back to my real self after. Oh yeah before I forget, we are still friends and in fact he invited me to be one of his kid’s godparents. How sweet!

I learned my lessons the hard way. After going through such tormenting, embarrassing, self-pitying - at - times experiences, I learned to be stronger, wiser, and immuned to such hard feelings already. After that, I learned to love my self  more and more. I understand that’s what matters most. I think those not- so- good experiences I had with men made me realize that I would not need a guy or a special man to be happy. I can be happy in a single status. I have my family and friends. I found a career which I’m passionate about. I just want to be successful and earn more and more!  The will to be better is always there. The zest for life is never lost. I still have it in me. Now I can say to my defense that maybe I have just loved the wrong men and the right man was just lost, also there with the wrong women! It may sound funny but that’s how I see it.

Don’t get me wrong, I still believe in that kind of love, between two individuals, regardless of gender, race, culture and age. I still believe that someday I will meet my own Casanova, my prince in a shimmering armour, my own Romeo or Jack. I have no problem with terms of endearment, they may sound cheesy at times but you don’t feel that way with love. I’m not a damsel in distress but I am a trans-woman who happens to be waiting for the right man to fall in love with many times over with him!